noticing 25 September 2009
There are things that have been around so long you don’t notice them and equally situations that are so normal they are never questioned, and when a change occurs it can take a while to cop to what’s occurred. And so it was that I realised earlier today that I have never been married when the G cat wasn’t around…I had been sharing life with her 7 years before I married Richard, 6 before we ever even got together. Geezee was always there for me and, therefore, then for us. So, if there were ever frosty words (there haven’t been too many, actually) I always had a little ally that still thought I was worth spending time with*, and so did Richard. Now it’s just the 2 of us and I am hoping we can get used to that!!
*there were (many, many) times over the 19 years when I knew she thought I was an utter eejit but she was prepared to put with that as she was a higher being who could rise above it all.
As to Himself helping greatly with the passing of the feline Beloved, well, he got me out of the house tonight to see a (very funny) group, though they are called Dead Cat Bounce…really…
And only one of my friends mentioned that he was not going to do pussy jokes – hadn’t even occurred to me that someone would, that’s how distracted I have been…and now MIGHTILY relieved that I have decent mates…
thank you all 24 September 2009
I am overwhelmed and so SO grateful to you all for your kind messages on the passing of the G cat. It’s so great that no one has said ‘she was just a cat’ because you all understand that, yes she was a cat, but she was also my companion and friend (in her special furry way) for so long. I was relieved to have to go out for the day to work (a trip to Belfast) as the Dublin house is so quiet and lonely without her. She ran this place and had the personality of several beings larger, and supposedly of a higher order, than she. There is a distinct lack about it right now. I don’t know what to do with her dishes, which are all washed and stacked in the kitchen now. And it was nearly impossible not to buy cat food when I was in the supermarket earlier. Richard says the first ‘lesson’ he ever learned about being with me is that you NEVER came home without a sachet of something for a cat. And this is the first time in about 24 years that I have been cat-less and habits die hard and it took all my strength not to slip a pouch into the basket when I was shopping, or to get extra fish that we might tempt The G to eat (which had been The Mission over the last months). I would go out and get a rake of kittens or cats now but I won’t be home consistently enough over the next while to settle them in properly. Some day, though…
she's gone 23 September 2009
The Greatest Cat in the World Ever (in my humble, but clearly correct, opinion) has left. I am devastated, but I am certain her time had come. She had faded to skin and bone over the last few weeks and today, when I walked in the door from London, I took one look and just KNEW it was goodbye. She was ‘out of it’ really and although I’m sure we could have kept her alive awhile longer it would have been for selfish reasons I was not prepared for THAT cat to be compromised in any way. So much so that, although the dreaded appointment was to be 7pm, I brought her over at 5.30 as I couldn’t bear the idea that if it was to be her last day she might be having a shitty time. Even 90 minutes more was too long if she wasn’t her total self. She did one of the most spectacular vomits of pure liquid ever witnessed at the vets when given the sedative, although it was specifically chosen because it never has that effect on cats – we had underestimated her! I am quaffing pink champagne now in her honour and can hardly believe that I have said au revoir to my Beloved. I may never get over this one as she was the actual love of my life* and the living creature I spent the most time with so far (19 years?). Also, when my Dad died she got very sick and I think I used getting her back to health to deal with his leaving and that has come crashing back today. 2 huge parts of my life gone and I am feeling every last awful jab of that now. She will be SORELY missed, as he SO is. Feeling all too mortal now and there is far too much perspective going on…
*Richard knows, fear not, and he has been BRILLIANT throughout including coming along to the ‘event’ and laying in some top notch booze
warning 23 September 2009
The G cat seems to be fading fast (old age, not eating, etc) and we are taking a trip to the vet this evening (7pm) – it may be Her Time…I am DEVASTATED and hoping for a miracle of some sort…I’ll let you all know how things pan out, of course…
pathology 22 September 2009
I had a really great conversation with a pathologist yesterday (get me!) and I now feel that that world may make it into the new book. as it is so the area I am interested in right now – ie (weirdly?) being alive. Anyhow, he was a foxily dressed (natty, oh so well turned out) man with the wit and intelligence of a hundred more of his near (but not quite so comparable) kind – I have discovered that i LOVE those people, the Excellents, who strive to find the particular reason for why we are as we are, and particularly those who do that in a medical way – and they are FANTASTIC company. So, we got to talking about all sorts and without much of a blink he identified my main ‘problem’ with being alive = consciousness (you can’t avoid it really, when you think bout it – eh, DOH!!!). See novel number 8 for more….oh, best write more of it now, so…
memories matter 21 September 2009
The Memory Wall that the Alzheimers Trust had put together in Manchester today was a revelation on a number of levels. People posted their memories on the board on yellow post-its – good, bad and everywhere in between. Some of them were intriguing – like the one that just said ‘my wedding’ but didn’t specify whether that was a happy or sad event…and it wasn’t signed so perhaps the person didn’t want to take responsibility for it either?? Another said ‘both my weddings’ – again, fascinating. Several people had remembered world events – quite a few the end of WW2, another the moon landing. One kind of broke my heart, though, as it recounted times long ago for this particular person and ended with ‘all my happy memories are buried behind years of unhappiness.’ You may see such a wall in your area at some point and if you do please post something up as part of the Memories Matter campaign. Also, if you can ever support the Trust please do, as research is the way forward with this awful disease and we, as a generation, may not see a cure in our lifetimes but we just might be able to pave the way for one for further generations. It’s estimated that 700,000 people in the UK are suffering from Alzheimer’s and related dementias which means that in total about 4 million lives are actually affected and today comes the news that it’s progressing faster than expected and will double within 20 years…which is less than a generation…
The bruises are changing colour and my back, in particular, can rival any loud painting now…
torture 20 September 2009
I fell asleep while thinking about this blog last night so it’s a tad late…there was wine involved too, courtesy of a visit to Brixton to quaff and chat with my brother and sis in law. They have teenage children now and we were reminiscing on how, well, dreadful being a teenager was – I quake sometimes to remember me then (of course I THOUGHT I was great but reckon I was a pain in the butt really) and also that some people only knew me then and not since and that’s how they think I am. I’m wondering if the menopause is a similar experience – will I be all teenage and impossible again? I hear the male version of that is the andropause – anyone know when men get that? Or is it simply what the rest of us see as their mid-life crisis when they want a tattoo and a motorbike but have to settle for a fast car with back seats in case they have to collect the kids from school (and not quite the 2 seater ‘affair car’ with the retractable roof).
injury update: the small of my back looks like someone took a hammer to it – I could pass for a torture victim – splendid range of colours to the bruising and several down the right leg too…
bruises 18 September 2009
I bruise really easily which is probably not ideal in a person who works in a robust atmosphere like acting (well, in my own case, not LIKE but actually) SO just wait till tomorrow and the ‘sins’ of today show up. I was shagged (er, yes) up against a door and shot (by camera) from a number of different angles (enjoyed it greatly as it was good work – all about the work, my dears, OF COURSE, so no whinge there AT ALL) and I dare invent the term ‘door burn’ to rival carpet burn now – for instance, I have not only the burn but also a sore bruise beneath – it really is OUCH to the touch. I wouldn’t change a thing, be certain of that, but you really would not do the things we were pretending to do more than once FOR REAL let alone a number of times (tv = a cruel god) so a bod can expect a bit of rough’n‘tumble and the results thereof…I will catalogue what turns up tomorrow but can I just mention that already on the train from Manchester to London I saw some swoppin bruises on the outer thighs…and they don’t even hurt…not like the small of my back, which is in bits…I will be like a Kandinsky painting!!! The glamour…the feckin GLAMOUR
list 17 September 2009
I have added a new airport to my list of oft-visited (cos I will probably be seeing it next week as well) and it is Belfast City Airport – or George Best Airport as I think it has been renamed? Seemed nice and manageable from what I could glean of my short trot through, then onto Manchester where I flew into the domestic terminal and therefore had a longer and more confusing walk to the train station (was all native, you see, and probably supposed to be that bit more intrepid or used to being treated a little less well than a ‘tourist’, so a backhanded compliment then I think??)
The day didn’t yield up much writingwise but the weekend is targeted by Yours Truly for some fearsome activity.
On Monday I am unveiling a Memory Wall for the Alzheimers Research Trust in Manchester at 1pm (at the Chancellors Hotel Conference Centre and the public are welcome) as it’s World Alzheimers Day and the research trust is having its big conference there. I am honoured that the good people of the Trust have asked and also that they noticed that the book (MISSING YOU ALREADY) deals with that huge subject. I will also speak for 10 or so minutes to the start of the conference (c2pm) about my experience writing on the topic. I also had a lovely email from a woman who has just finished the book tonight and loved it so I am a little ‘up’ as a result and I also feel it’s a good omen for Monday.
I have masses of words* to say tomorrow at work and lots of acting to do from a deadly early start so I have resorted to ‘the tablets’ again and doubled the dose – fingers crossed (Joyce, I’d‘ve used your solution but it’s in London right now with the mountain of laundry that awaits me on my return tomorrow)
*Miss Maggie Steed of JAM AND JERUSALEM calls them worms, and she ain’t wrong!
yoga 16 September 2009
The builders seem to be all but done in the house…hmmm…can that really be true? There are still a number of annoying details outstanding but I could honestly live with them if I thought it would mean we could get on with our lives now…and clean the place…Anyhow, the silence from said labourers is deafening and there is also a distinct lack of a bill which I might have been worried about once upon a time (perhaps LAST YEAR when the job should have been finished) but now I couldn’t give a rattle.
In the garden, there’s a lovely bit of light getting in at the back where the wall used to be and I like it and am thinking a wire fence would do just fine in place of blocks now…
As to the writing, I DID SOME today, as threatened = hurrah! Of course I spent as long as possible doing other kinds of writing like emails before I knuckled down but, as a pal remarked, that’s really like yoga for the fingers and good preparatory work – I am happy to concur. She tells me she is a mistress of tantric tea making but that would be a step too far for me, not least because I am a retired tea lady but also because I use tea making in my own life as a top form of displacement activity and delaying tactic, and I also enjoy the end result too much to make it virtual.